If you see a colleague cry… đ„
Don’t say:
đ« Are you OK?
đ« What’s wrong?
đ« Everything’s gonna be fine.
You can ask:
â What are these tears expressing?
â What are these tears of?
They could be tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of letting go.
Loving you, Angelos
My client at Goldman shared this unbelievable fact with me.
This is what they call a utility software at Goldman! đŻ
Itâs a utility to which everyone has access and can perform changes.
They call itâŠ
Point Finger of Blame!
Why?
Because you can always see whoâs made the last change in the code.
And if a system breaks, everyone knows who to point the finger to.
Another strategist at Goldman told me itâs just a funny word play inspired by the git blame command (git is a version control system for software development).
Iâve met some of the most top-performing people at Goldman but still…
Iâm curiousâŠ
How does the person whoâs about to tweak the code feel?
Does that name motivate them to do better work?
Does that name lead to fewer programming mistakes?
I donât have the answer.
I guess it depends on the person, their beliefs, culture but tell me..
Whatâs your take on this?
Loving you, Angelos
Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher, hit the nail on the head here.
It’s not the event that causes someone’s distressâit’s their judgement on the event.
We can empathise with them, ie. understand their interpretation of reality, but we don’t have toâand we shouldn’tâ”buy” their interpretation.
Loving you, Angelos
One of my mental health mentors once said to me:
âI had a panic attack last weekâprobably because of the jet lagâ.
I thoughtâŠ
What? The self-regulation guru Iâm paying all this money to has panic attacks?
And heâs also talking openly about it?
Later I understood that âtalking openly about itâ and âbeing OK about itâ was the resource I needed from my coach.
When you are afraid or ashamed of your anxiety, it comes back stronger.
When you accept your anxiety, it goes away.
Loving you, Angelos
This is what my mentor writes in his diary!!!
In his to-do list, you’ll see items such as:
“Love the neighbours, love my wife, love the bakery shop owner”.
Love is a muscle thatâas with all musclesâyou have to exercise.
Love doesnât always come naturally to me.
But when I bring someone to mind and think about them, I feel more and more love for them.
That has an effect on me too. I relax. It does my heart good.
Itâs about slowing down. Itâs like meditating about a person.
You have to be in a state of love to love others.
It depends on your state.
Donât force it.
It takes time and thatâs OK.
Loving you, Angelos
I always wanted to master ONE skill in my life:
Controlling my emotions.
Hacking anxiety, frustration, guilt, and anger.
Because I found those emotions unbearable.
I hated them.
Who wants to be around someone who feels all those emotions?
I was determined to prove to everyone that I could choose what to feel and what not to feel.
I tried everything: meditation, yoga, mindfulness, spirituality, nutrition, breathing, affirmations, hypnosis.
I read hundreds of books, spent thousands on courses and gurus.
I was learning a lot, becoming wiser and ⊠falling flat on my face in the end.
And there you go: more frustration, more anxiety, more emotional instability.
The more I was striving to control my emotions, the more they controlled me.
Until one day, I gave up.
And I allowed myself to feel anything when I was alone or in front of others.
At an interview, in a meeting room, on a stage, on a dateâŠ
Mastery is not being able to switch on and off emotions.
Mastery is being comfortable with feeling anything!
Mastery is not caring about how others perceive youâeither anxious or not anxious.
However, if the way they react to you makes you feel uncomfortable occasionally, thatâs still OK.
You are open to that possibility. Thatâs mastery.
Loving you, Angelos
I went for a swim yesterday here in Lefkada, Greece.
And I recorded a videoâa reminder for myself.
To me, many things in life are counterintuitive and I think creativity and productivity are among those things…
What are your thoughts?
Have a lovely day, Angelos
Because when you die…
No one will remember you for the money you made, the house you lived in, or the car you drove.
You will be remembered for the impact you had on others.
Loving you, Angelos
PS: These words are my mentor’s words. A man who loves leaders and is like another father to themâProfessor of #leadership at INSEAD, Manfred Kets de Vries.
I am often asked, “Do you experience anxiety or pain?”
“Of course, I do”, I reply.
âBut arenât you supposed to be the expert who helps people with anxiety and pain?â
âSurely you have mastered these things?â
Yes, I have, which means…
I welcome anxiety when it knocks on my door.
I’m not afraid or ashamed of this visitor.
I allow myself to feel anxious.
I believe that itâs OK to feel anxious.
Feeling anxious doesnât define me.
Feeling anxious doesnât touch my self-worth.
Iâm comfortable with feeling anything.
Mastery of anxiety is not the absence of anxiety but the acceptance of anxiety.
The problem is the fear, the denial, or the shame of anxiety.
Loving you, Angelos
Banking used to define my identity.
I used to be âmy investment banking jobâ.
And I was always looking forward to that question:
âWhat do you do?â
âI work in banking.â
And then, Iâd stay quiet and wait for the usual âŠ
âOh wow!!! Nice… What do you do exactly? Which bank do you work for?â
By the way, I wasnât any senior manager, executive director or head of business.
But stillâŠ
âI work in bankingâ was enough to sell myself to others and ⊠to myself!
We are all defined by what we do and thatâs OK.
Our work is a means to self-actualisation.
However, it can be a trap too.
It can be a trap when deep inside we want to be defined by something different.
Or we donât want to be defined by anything.
The problem is that we find it difficult to let go of the benefits of our current identity.
The money, the power, the status, the perceived success…
However, freedom comes when you accept yourself beyond your professional identity.
And when you stop using this identity to guarantee the love of others.
When itâs just you.
It feels liberating, doesnât it?
Being just you can be scary at first.
âWho am I without my MD, VP, Head, Senior?â
But when you love yourself without your identity, others can sense it.
And guess what?
They love you too!
More than ever before!
And without the identity!
Probably because you reminded them that they can love themselves without their identity…
How counterintuitive life can be sometimes.
In the end, I had to let go of my banking identity to find myself.
Along the way, I created new identities.
CEO, entrepreneur, teacher, YouTuber, …
Today I have a new identity.
I call myself a coach.
I like how it sounds but Iâm also proud of whatâs behind it.
There is purpose, fulfillment, and vision behind it.
I believe that itâs a great exercise in life to let go of your âidentitiesâ.
One of the biggest lessons is that your professional identity does not guarantee love from family, friends, or partners.
In my opinion, thatâs an illusionâitâs not true love.
Do you use your identity to make others love you?
What if you let go of it?
Who would you like to be?
Is there any identity that would suit you more?
Why not try it on?
It might feel better to youâŠ
And if it does, it may also look better to others.
Loving you, Angelos
PS: For peak performance and emotional agility, join my Unshakeable Bankers Club.
PPS: To quit banking vs. stay? Here is a better way to think about it.