Category: Personal Development

“My partner is undermining me”.

“I want to forgive them but they are undermining me”.

You may have turned a thought into reality here.

Because you cannot be undermined unless you first think that they are undermining you!

Guess what?

Some other person may listen to your partner and not feel undermined.

They may think something else:

That your partner is probably in a bad state of mind.

That they are upset.

That they are trying to hurt you because they feel so hurt.

You have believed that something is a reality as opposed to just a thought that you’re having about your partner.

Let this thought dissolve.

You’ll see that a better thought will take its place.

Loving you, Angelos

PS: You may also wish to read My Top 5 Realisations on Relationships and the biggest mistake people make in relationships.

This is the worst mistake people can make in a relationship…

You may sometimes have strong feelings about your partner.

And you think that if you have a strong feeling, you should act on it.

“We have to talk. We have to resolve this. We have to express our feelings. We have to communicate as a couple”.

Big mistake.

DON’T communicate when you are in an unstable state of mind.

Because it’s going to end up in an argument.

If you are overwhelmed by negative emotions, all you’re going to communicate is negativity.

You’ll say things you don’t mean—and you’ll ignite and pull your partner into the flames.

And they will say things that they don’t mean.

You’ll both become reactive until you are exhausted.

What should you do?

Let your strong feelings pass first.

Don’t deny them. Accept them.

And when the strong feelings have passed—and IF there’s something left to communicate—communicate with your partner once the flames have died down.

This will save SO much wear and tear in your relationship.

Loving you, Angelos

PS: You may also wish to read My Top 5 Realisations on Relationships.

To develop political intuition at work, you have to ask questions.

“Can you explain how you got to this conclusion?

Are there any alternative ways to look at this?

Why do you think we should do this?”

If you are unsure about the validity of their argument, say “This sounds interesting. Can you explain more?”

Find out more about how they think as opposed to what you assume they think.

Most people enter negotiations thinking of what they’re going to say rather than what they’re going to ask.

It’s useful to know your cards but not as important as knowing the other person’s cards.

When you become aware that you’re making snap judgements, STOP!

Ask questions and learn more about how they think.

At the very least, questions buy time.

And you also show to the other person that you value their perspective and want to listen.

This is not just a tactic to protect yourself—it’s a better way to communicate and accomplish more together.

And yes, it’s equally important when you communicate with your partner, children, parents, or friends.

Practice this with someone whom you know well and whose intentions you usually judge quickly.

Next time you talk with them, try to see them in a new way. 

Ask a question and find out more about their perspective. 

You may discover that your assumptions were wrong.

Loving you, Angelos

There is a very common misunderstanding out there: that in order for you to materialise anything your heart desires, you have to be motivated and have that feeling, that drive.

You think you need to feel inspired, that you want to do it, that you have the energy.

That’s a myth.

You can do stuff without feeling like doing them and expecting yourself to feel like doing them.

You may feel frozen right now. You don’t feel like going for a run or working on your side project.

You can do stuff without any motivation. And then you start feeling that warmth and the motivation kicks in again.

And you think the motivation is going to stay there forever. It doesn’t work like that. It will go away no matter how much progress you’ve made—and it will come back.

What if you just did the stuff you have to do without paying too much attention to how motivated you are?

Loving you, Angelos

Ask for what you need.

I know it’s not easy.

But, please, ask for what you need.

For how long are you going to carry this load?

Yes, a part of you wants you to stay quiet and smile.

That part wants to make sure you are protected, safe and loved.

I hear that part. I acknowledge it. I appreciate it.

But how about, learning to ask for what you need?

Slowly, hesitantly, awkwardly.

Until that part of you realises that it’s safe and rewarding to ask for what you need.

Others may not like it.

They may try to make you feel guilty.

They may make you look like a bad person.

But, you will see that it’s better like that.

You will feel your worth.

They will appreciate you more.

Learn to ask for what you need—appreciating that it’s going to be uncomfortable at the start.

And if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.

Yes! This is how I’m going to trick you.

Ask for what you need and do it for me.

And remember that when you ask for what you need, you inspire me to ask for what I need.

And the world becomes more beautiful.

Do it for you, do it for me, do it for us.

Loving you, Angelos

The problem in banking is not the long hours.

You knew what you signed up for.

It’s neither the challenges nor the fast-paced environment.

You may often enjoy the adrenaline rush.

The deeper issues of your stress and pain are:

1. The lack of respect—being treated disrespectfully by your boss or other people in the firm.
   
2. The lack of trust. You see others being treated badly which sends danger signals to your unconscious, “This could happen to me tomorrow”. You can’t bring your full self to work. You have to protect yourself. It’s the prisoner’s dilemma in game theory. If everyone around operates in a Nash equilibrium mode, you know very well that in order to survive you have to play Nash, too.
   
3. Lack of context. You don’t know why you do what you do. Why is your role important? Why is this task you’ve been assigned important? How does the business work? How does your work contribute to the vision of the business and the world? Your unconscious sees lack of context as a clear threat.
   
4. Lack of deep relationships. No one knows what you think, feel or want. Your manager doesn’t know you although you spend more hours with him or her than with anyone else in your life. This is scary.
   
5. Lack of growth/learning. You feel stuck. No one asks you what skills you would like to develop or put into practice. No one sits down to work out the intersection between your vision and the organisation’s vision.

You are a warrior. I appreciate you.

And we both know you can’t control any of the above.

So, what can you do?

Build resilience. “Widen the window” as I say—the window of tolerance to stress.

Become a master of emotions.

Get better at managing, recovering and learning from stress and other challenges.

Stress? Destructive habits? Addictions?

There is a better way. Join my Unshakeable Bankers Club for free.

Loving you, Angelos

A firefighter saves a child from a burning building.

A few hours later, they may experience physical sensations such as shaking hands, faster heart rate, anxiety, insomnia, etc.

These are normal reactions through which the parasympathetic nervous system releases the energy immobilised during the rescue.

When the firefighter tries to repress those symptoms because they look less brave and capable to other firefighters, they get in the way of their own natural recovery.

As a result, they remain in an hyperactive state for longer and their survival brain perceives the experience to be much more threatening than it was.

It can happen to a firefighter, a soldier or … an investment banker.

When you deny and fight your emotions and physical symptoms in high-stress high-status environments, normal stress becomes chronic.

And chronic stress brings chronic diseases.

Loving you, Angelos

I don’t change people; I change their destructive coping patterns.

People have said to me, “Oh… that’s not really me. I’ve always been like that”.

No, you haven’t! You mean… you have always COPED like that.

Once you have removed the toxic behavioural pattern—the coping mechanism—then, yes, that will be the REAL you.

Loving you, Angelos

Are you too self-sufficient and self-reliant?

Are you “I can handle this for myself, I can handle that for you”?

Others perceive you as “reliable” and dump their responsibilities on you.

You can never have too much responsibility, right?

And you strive and figure everything out for yourself and for them.

And you like it when they say, “You are a champ. I’m sure you can handle anything”.

Until you realise you can’t and you find yourself stressed-out and burnt-out.

Here you go… anger, frustration, and body aches.

But when you feel just a little better, there you are again, ready to take on more stuff on your shoulders.

The carrot “You are a champ, you can handle anything” is so sweet, isn’t it?

There is nothing wrong with living like that. Everyone thinks you’re reliable and that’s good.

However, if you think there is a better way, contact me and let’s explore it together.

Loving you, Angelos