An investment banker said to me: “I hate that beyond the constant anxiety of always being on edge, I cannot escape thinking about work whether awake or not, and it’s ruining my sleep and making me more miserable. Do you have any tips on how to separate myself from work?”
First, I can appreciate that you “hate being unable to escape thinking about work”. I’ve been there.
However, being unable to switch off is not the problem. The problem is that you “hate” being unable to switch off—the fact that you don’t accept yourself when you can’t switch off.
Human beings have an innate capacity to recover from any negative emotion very fast. Your survival brain—the old “caveman” brain that controls emotions and activates stress—starts the recovery process (switching off) ONLY when it perceives you to be safe.
But when you “hate” your anxiety, when you desperately run away from your thoughts, when your self-critic wakes up and you compare yourself to others, your thinking brain—your intellect, the part of your brain that does the DCF and the financial modelling—gets in the way of the survival brain’s automatic and fast recovery.
Stress activation and recovery is 100% a survival brain’s job. Your thinking brain has absolutely NO power over your survival brain. Not only does it have no power but all the judgemental, rational, escapist, devaluing, denying thoughts that you use to calm yourself down cause more stress activation.
Because your survival brain goes like, “Oh this dude is really freaked out. I’d better let these stress hormones stick around for a little longer”. This becomes a vicious circle: more stress, more “hating yourself”, more thoughts, more frustration, more stress and so on.
You are a genius at maths but your survival brain doesn’t give a shit about your intellect. The survival brain only wants to protect you so you live another day. I know it’s exaggerating but evolutionary speaking, this is how the human species survived.
So don’t use logic to switch off your emotions. Emotions are to be felt—not to be thought over and down.
What should you do then?
When you become aware that you’re stressed, pause and focus on the sensations in your body.
In what area of your body do you feel the anxiety? You may feel some tension, or tingling, or cold hands/legs, a headache, whatever. Focus on those sensations.
You may also use mantras of the type: “I forgive myself for not being able to control my thoughts. I give up. These thoughts may stay with me for as long as they need to. I give up. I forgive myself”.
Welcome all thoughts. Let them be there. And when you are caught up in your thinking again, just forgive yourself and direct your attention back to the sensations in your body. As many times as needed.
This is how your thinking brain becomes an ally to your survival brain.
Remember though: This is a practice that requires time and repetition.
This is not Xanax, alcohol, nicotine, cocaine or any other coping habit that masks your unwanted feelings for a while before they come back stronger.
This is a practice that builds your resilience and trains you to become unshakeable in the face of anxiety or any negative feeling.
And if you currently rely on coping habits such as alcohol, nicotine, etc, I understand. Practise for 5 minutes every day. That’s a good start.
Loving you, Angelos