Want to talk to them but you’re afraid that your relationship will suffer?
Worried about falling out with them?
Here’s my step-by-step framework on how to have any tough conversation with confidence:
[Stage #1: Acceptance]
1.1. – Name and accept all your feelings.
Fear? Worry? Frustration? Anger?
Disappointment?
They are all welcome—and 100% valid.
1.2 – Locate these feelings in your body.
Where are you feeling them? Chest? Head? Stomach?
Focus on the sensations and stay with them.
No sensations? Still good.
1.3 – Are you thinking about worst-case scenarios or comforting yourself that it’s safe to open up?
Stop.
If your unconscious has perceived a “threat”, it’s a done deal.
Don’t “think down”, fight or deny your feelings—you only make them more intense!
Welcome ALL feelings!
[Stage #2: Preparation]
2.1 – See things from their perspective.
What can they see that you can’t see?
What information do they have that you may not have?
How may have your actions impacted them in a way outside your intentions?
What does this situation mean to them?
2.2 – Ensure you have the right setting for the conversation.
Is the physical environment conducive?
Do you have privacy?
Do you have all the time you need?
Are you both in a good state to have a frank discussion?
Find a neutral place, a park, a coffee shop.
[Stage #3: Taking to Them]
3.1 – Audit your thoughts.
Are you criticising, judging, or blaming them in your head?
“You don’t respect me, how could you have said this in the meeting?”.
These statements won’t get you what you want and they’ll make them reactive!
Do this…
3.2 – Focus only on facts.
Don’t say: I think you should step up your game. You’re not working as hard as you used to.
Say: You missed three deadlines this quarter. You committed to doing x on the weekend, but you still haven’t done it.
3.3 – Communicate the core feeling in relation to what they said or did.
Say: When we miss deadlines, I feel worried that our investors will lose confidence in us.
💡 I said “in relation to”, not “because” what they did.
*WE* are responsible for our feelings—no one else!
3.4 – Communicate your need, values, and anything important for you that is not being met.
Say:
I want to make sure we’re on track for our next raise by Q2.
I want us to get back to double-digit growth.
3.5 – Propose concrete actions.
Say:
Can we meet for 30min every Monday to make sure you have everything you need to do your work?
Can you let me know well in advance if there’s a risk that you won’t meet the deadline?
[Stage #4: Listening to Them]
4.1 – Listen for their core needs and feelings.
Say:
I told you how I felt but how did *you* feel when I said that?
What’s important for you here? I want to understand and see how I can help.
4.2. – If they get into a defensive or blaming mode, help them filter out the toxicity from their message.
Say:
I see you’re frustrated, what were you trying to achieve by doing x?
Do you propose any changes to our strategy?
How else could I support you?
4.3 – If they mention that they feel hurt, accept it.
Say:
I’m sorry to hear that you feel hurt. It was not my intention to hurt you.
I wanted to communicate my concerns to you and find ways to work more efficiently together.
You made it to the end and thanks for reading.
Every tough conversation is a hidden opportunity.
The more you practice this process and reach an agreement, the more trust you build in each other. 💪
There’s a win for you, a win for them, and a win for your relationship here.