Having coached 120+ founders, the fear of falling out with a cofounder is the #1 issue I’ve helped my founders with.
Here’s how to overcome it and turn it into massive opportunities.
You want to talk to your cofounder about the things that bother you but you’re worried your relationship will suffer.
Holding these things inside is suffocating and is only building up the tension between you.
Opening up to your cofounder gives you anxiety.
What should you do?
Focus on the right question:
Which need of yours is not being met?
A conversation goes south when you tell your cofounder what they do wrong instead of what you truly need.
Telling them what you need and asking for their support takes courage.
It often requires you to be vulnerable.
Whereas blaming and criticising … is easy!
Compare the following:
- It’s disrespectful when you leave me out of those investor meetings.
- I also want to join you when you talk to the investors. I want to feel confident that we’re on track and also learn from them.
Do you feel the difference?
Your cofounder may not know that you want to join those meetings.
They may think that you’d rather work on the product.
They may be trying to become efficient themselves, ie. “you keep hustling with the team and I’ll take care of the investors”.
You can’t always know why your cofounder does what he or she does.
The only thing you know for sure is what you need.
Communicate that—and find ways that you can support each other.
Remember, what they’re doing may be a sign that they’re struggling with their own fears.
… and that has nothing to do with you.
Don’t assume, don’t blame, don’t criticise, don’t evaluate.
Here’s the playbook 👇
1. Is your cofounder doing something that’s affecting your well-being?
Tell them how you’re feeling in relation to what they’re doing.
Focus on facts.
This is not blaming. You help them see something about you that they don’t see.
2. Tell them what you really need and why.
Not the type “I need you to be more respectful”
This is an evaluation (“you’re not respectful”)—not your true need.
3. Propose actions that will satisfy your need.
“Can you send me an email with… Can you create a document… Can you talk to them and…”
“Is that okay with you? Would you be able to do that for me?”
4. Listen to them. Be a coach for them.
Ask them how they’re feeling and what they need.
If they react or become emotional, help them filter through their own unnecessary blaming and criticising.
Help them see and communicate what they truly need.
Every time you reach an agreement by going through this process, your relationship will get stronger and will build trust.
You will trust that you can resolve issues together.
A tough conversation is always a hidden opportunity.