Question: As a teenager, I had a long-term relationship with a guy I was deeply attached to.
When he broke up with me, he said he wanted it cold turkey—to never see or speak to each other ever again. And he stuck to this—16 years ago our breakup was the last conversation I ever had with him.
I’ve written about this a couple of times, done meditations, etc. I would love to run into him again and have a conversation, to get some closure, to apologise for some of the things I did, and ideally would love to get an apology from him too.
In reality, we don’t live in the same state, don’t share any friends, and have zero contact—the chances of us running into each other are basically none. I have to find a way to live with this.
The problem is, I keep dreaming about him! The dreams are variations on the same theme—he gets in touch to discuss things and wants to be friends. This will never happen in real life but the frequent dreams indicate my subconscious is refusing to accept it! How can I get my subconscious to move on?
Letting go of a past love is similar to letting go of emotions or pain.
The more you want your pain to go away, the more pain grows inside.
The more you try to stop thinking about him, the more you end up thinking or dreaming about him.
The more you act upon a negative feeling or thought, the more you confirm to your unconscious mind that this is something important.
Acting on your dreams—meditating, analysing, writing about them—only reinforces and perpetuates them.
However, letting go means you stay neutral; you don’t react; you simply acknowledge and move on.
Particularly, letting go of things you don’t have control over: past trauma, someone who’s passed away, or meting up with someone you’re unlikely to see again.
You don’t have to put things in the right place or get “closure” to heal and get rid of your pain.
If you feel a strong desire to talk things through, you may not have really let go yet—perhaps there is something you find hard to accept.
Your circumstances may have changed, you may be married now, or in a new relationship and I understand you may find these dreams uncomfortable.
This may give rise to tension and eventually more pain:
- Why do I keep thinking about this person?
- Does this mean I’m still in love with this person?
- Am I unhappy with my life now?
- When am I going to stop having these annoying dreams?
All these thoughts are perfectly normal.
We often think of a past love because we miss the person we used to be back then.
You may miss the carefree life when you had fewer responsibilities—these tend to grow as we grow, you know?
It’s OK to feel nostalgic about the past.
It’s OK to feel love, attachment, or attraction to that person.
There is no reason to feel guilty about it.
It’s 100% normal and acceptable for human beings to feel like that.
These thoughts and feelings don’t make you a bad person.
You don’t have control over your dreams or thoughts.
Dreams and thoughts don’t define you and you don’t have to act on them.
Just like in meditation, when you have a thought, you acknowledge it and then direct your attention back to your breathing.
The same applies to your dreams.
With love, Angelos
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